Olympic fails
Because dwelling on victory is SO last Sunday, way too easy, and not as amusing
By Karolina Dejnicka, Stranded Editor
Issue date: 3/4/10 Section: Stranded
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1. Lighting of the torch at the opening ceremonies
The giant, four icy-pillars-of-doom torch was an impressive image - at least, it would have been if it were properly functioning. However, one of the pillars didn't rise up from the ground. All-too-obvious jokes about impotence aside, the malfunction was magnified by the fact that speed skater Catriona LeMay Doan - poor girl - was left standing alone with a torch in her hand while the other three torch-bearers were soon accompanied by pillars they used to light the torch. However, to the credit of the Games' organizers, they poked fun at the situation in the closing ceremonies, turning this into a win for Canada's sense of humour.
2. Wayne Gretzky at the automatic doors
So they finally light the indoor torch, and Gretzky attempts to take it to the outdoor one. He doesn't manage to get very far, however, before he is held up. While exiting the building, he got stuck behind the not-so-automatic sliding doors and had to wait a while for them to open for him. It was just awkward for everyone involved.
3. The Canadian flag - at both the opening and closing ceremonies
If you blinked, you may have missed it, but the fan blowing the flag was poorly positioned in the stadium for the opening ceremonies. This resulted in the hilariously stubborn "little flag that couldn't", which was likely the source of many facepalms nationwide. Despite the experience, you apparently do not live and learn. The closing ceremonies were also accompanied by a similarly failing flag, although it was blowing slightly more and therefore failing slightly less. The broadcasters' attempts at avoiding inclusion of the flag in the shot were apparent, and the source of much amusement.
4. The water clip and other random videos of irrelevance
No one I have mentioned this to so far has seen this that I didn't watch it with personally, but if you were to go back to the coverage of one of the men's skiing events during first days of the Olympics, you would stumble upon a strange video of one of the athletes drinking water. And it's not just a short clip of someone taking a sip before their run; this must have been at least 30 seconds of a skiier pouring water into his mouth from a bottle in slow-motion. In fact, it was zoomed in so far that you could only see the water pouring and the athlete's face, and was so slow that it almost became strangely erotic. Completely unrelated to the actual event underway or the commentary and advertisement that followed, this was only one of a few golden moments that demonstrated the lack of material to air live. At one speed skating event, the camera zoomed in on one skater's leg and just stayed there, showing an unnecessarily long recording of thigh muscles rippling, contracting and relaxing under the spandex. I'm not saying it wasn't of any interest to anyone, but it was certainly very unnecessary.
5. "Mao rhymes with wow!" and other commentators' gems
After Mao Asada's silver-medal-earning performance in the women's figure skating event, CTV commentator Rod Black could not think of anything less ridiculous to say than "Mao rhymes with wow." Well, Vancouver rhymes with maneuver, but you didn't hear commentators saying "The athletes will try to maneuver their way to the gold in Vancouver" or something. (By the way, I just made that up. Am I a genius or what?) And for good reason - it sounds ridiculous. Then again, I guess if you keep saying the same things over and over as you talk about each athlete, you're bound to run out of normal things to say. This was by no means the only such moment, but it's definitely a favourite.
6. Evgeni Plushenko being a sore loser
Breaking news: not only is the Cold War not over, but it is felt most strongly on the ice. (See what I did there?) And apparently Russians don't take kindly to losing to Americans. Silver medalist Russian figure skater Plushenko, who believed - with a completely unbiased point of view, we're sure - that he should have won the gold medal instead of American Evan Lysacek. To prove his point, he stood on the podium intended for the gold medalist until Lysacek arrived to take his place. The American anthem prevailed as the soundtrack to his wallowing in self-pity, which we can only deem as appropriate, given that in the days between the long and short program he relentlessly criticized Lysacek for not performing the quad in his programs this year.
7. "Are you stupid?"
Dutch speed skater Sven Kramer may have won three medals, but he was reviled by the United States after an NBC reporter asked him for his name and what medal he won, to which he replied "Are you stupid?" Probably not the best thing to say as you're being filmed and recorded for the world to see right after winning a medal. He apologized for it afterward, but karma is not a mistress so easily appeased. His coach gave him incorrect instructions on lane changing for the 10,000 metre race, which resulted in his being disqualified after finishing in first place. We know it's been said already and that it's totally predictable, but we can't resist - who's stupid now?
8. Closing ceremonies performers
When Neil Young emerged to perform at the closing ceremonies, all I could think was "Amazing! Tonight will have a great lineup of artists!" This dream was quickly shattered, as the likes of Nickelback, Avril Lavigne, and Simple Plan took to the stage. Just add Sum 41 and Treble Charger - also Canadian - and you have the soundtrack to Grade 8. Ever the optimist, I thought this meant that the performers would only improve as the night went on, culminating in some Canadian classics by such legends as the Tragically Hip or Rush. Wouldn't it have been perfect if the night had culminated in Stompin' Tom Connors' iconic "Hockey Song" instead of artists that no one listens to anyway? At least Neil Young was there.
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