Issue date: 11/10/09 Section: Stranded

Photo: Hollycroteau / Flickr

"You Got Kicked!"
Unsuspecting people going about their day to day business are suddenly set upon and kicked repeatedly by five to ten people who are "in on it." After the kicking is finished, the celebrity host shouts "You got kicked!" with great enthusiasm. "Oh you guys" says the victim through broken lips as they realize that, hilariously, it was all part of an elaborate televised ruse.

"Personality Makeover"
Every show centers around a new applicant with an awkward or dislikeable personality. Testimonies are given by friends, family members and coworkers about how tragically deficient the applicant is as a human being. Portions of the applicant's brain are then removed by celebrity doctors who explain, with enormous gravitas, the various challenges and risks involved. Afterwards, their loved ones, choked with emotion, talk gratefully about how much more pleasant the lobotomized applicant is to be around. "I never really realized how unhappy I was." says the applicant in a flat, faraway voice, "I will never be unhappy again."

"COPS: Afghanistan"
Members of the Afghan National Police force are filmed as they go about their routine patrols. Episodes are unscripted, but will focus on one or more 'wacky' violent or otherwise spectacular incidents. DVDs and boxed sets will be sold promising scenes 'too raw for television.' High cameraman turnover will lead to a shaky, low quality filming style that will add to the realism of the experience. Viewers will feel a mixture of excitement and deep personal shame as they consume endless quantities of filmed material.

"So You Think You Can Prepare Quality Gluten-Free Vegan Cuisine in a Competitive Setting?"
Five rappers are pitted against five accountants in a no holds barred gluten-free vegan cook-off. Teams will consist of a varied cast with extreme and incompatible personality types. A panel of three celebrity judges will evaluate dishes based on presentation, flavour, and protein content. Two nice judges will gush with superfluous praise, and one mean judge will criticize both teams with hyperbolic venom. The nice judges will be briefly shocked by the mean judge's criticism, but will then roll their eyes and laugh it off. "Oh you," they will say, flashing their perfect smiles, "You would say something mean." After each round, the losing team will vote on a member to be beaten to death.

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