Ask Ann!
Advice For Everyday Life!
Issue date: 11/15/07 Section: Stranded
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Dear Anne Rice,
I have been trying to work up the courage to ask out my coworker for months. He is excessively nervous and with a flop sweat, but soooo cute! Unfortunately, he's always working at his cubicle and never comes out to lunch with the rest of us. I will typically hook up with my coworkers over a burrito, so this obviously cramps my style. How can I get him to notice me?
Lost in Cubicle Kountry
Dear LICK,
We have a saying down in Louisiana, and let me quote you the printable part: "...if he hides from the sun, 'fore he uses his tongue, he's a vampire..." Think carefully now. Have you ever seen Flop Sweat out in the daylight? I know that people think vampires are all suave and cooler than thou, but it takes all kinds. On the plus side, though, is once you work up the courage to ask him out yourself, he can give you the Dark Gift and you'll be together forever in the undead agony of the cubicle sea. But they do say that it only feels like it lasts forever, so there's something to look forward to.
Anne Rice
Dear Ann Coulter,
I recently had my first child and my husband thinks I should give up my job as a real estate agent to take care of her. I think we could just easily place in her daycare and allow me to keep me job. What would you recommend?
Uncertain Girl Homeseller
Dear UGH,
While I'm against burqas, if you send your daughter to daycare, you might as well put her in one, so that she doesn't see the morally loose world that surrounds her.
Now, I may not be a statistician, but 90% of all underaged crack addicts recieved their first hit from our so-called 'childcare providers' (ed's note: Stranded can not deny nor corroborate this finding). Don't listen to those people who tell you that you should be working--those woman-huggers are just trying to turn your children into gays.
Also, daycare is where Al-Qaeda comes from.
Ann Coulter
Dear Anne Boleyn,
I think my husband might be having an affair. He comes home late from work every day covered in chicken grease. When I bug him about it, he kills one of my cats. I used to have a lot of cats. When we fight, he will often leave for a whole night and not tell me where he's been. But he always smells like diesel in the morning! Should I leave him, or should we have a baby to solve our problems?
He Eats and Dines on Fat Fowl
Dear HEADOFF,
In my experience, having a child cannot save a marriage (unless it's a boy). If your husband wants to marry someone else, I say let him. If you force the issue, he'll probably just cut off your head anyway, so best to just go with the flow. Plus if you stick around long enough without losing your head, they're sure to put something that came from inside of you on the throne once they're nice and desperate. Play it cool, endure a few decades in a prison cell, and you're sure to come out on top.
Also, I wouldn't worry too much about the cat thing. You can get a bag of them cheap down by the wharf.
Anne Boleyn
Dear Anne of Green Gables,
My parents don't give me any space. I asked them if I could put a lock on my bedroom door, and they sent me to military camp. I asked them to stop making out on the front lawn, so they make me go to couples' therapy with the dog. They also like to sneak up behind me when I'm at school and push me into the mud, in front of all the cool kids! How do you get your parents to respect your personal space?
Boy Under Real Parent Pressure
Dear BURPP,
I remember when Uncle Matthew came to pick me up from the train station that first time. What a rascal he was! He wanted to send me back for not being a boy that could help work on the farm. But through grin, gumption and determination, I wormed my way into the heart of that dear old man. Truly those were the days, the fall in Avonlea is so striking for a lass about town!
You should try dying your hair red to win your parents' sympathy! Or go chase larks through the hay! Use your imagination and you can accomplish anything! Tra-la, la-la-la!
What a gorgeous day! Isn't that right Sandy? Wait...Sandy is little ophan Annie's dog. Oops! Just goes to show you, even I get the two of us mixed up sometimes!
Oh well. Keep chasing that dream!
Anne Shirley
Dear Ayn Rand,
I've been struggling to succeed as a city planner for several years now, and am thinking about giving up at it. I always thought of city planning as my dream job, but people call my ideas bland and derivative. Should I struggle on through, or give up on my dream and quit?
He Only Wants a Realistic Dream
Dear HOWARD,
City planning? What about architecture? Don't worry about it at an rate, because you are clearly not a man. It is the job of a man to be ruthless and creative and you are neither. The sad thing is that you probably don't even realize that you are not a man, because you waste your life writing in to insipid advice columns. Either grow a pair, or get the hell out of the highway!
HOWARD's question has, however, allowed me this opportunity to put out a plug for my latest book, Atlas Shrugged 2: Judgment Day, which was written entirely posthumously. Shrugged 2 follows the life of John Galt as he leads his hidden enclave of superior individuals in a holy war against the common man. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have already expressed interest in a film deal, once they've gotten the original Atlas Shrugged under wraps. Shrugged 2 will boast a higher body count than The Turner Diaries and The Bible combined, which should make it eminently filmable. If not for the leeching platitudes of inferior cheerleaders, I would feel confident to say that 2008 is the year when Ayn Rand wins both an Oscar and a Nobel Prize for Literature.
Much love, Ayn Rand
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