Issue date: 11/15/07 Section: Features

Kimono sleeve Sweater dress, Icon, $75. Pear watch necklace, Marc Jacobs, $129.

Plaid top, H&M, $29.99. Denim Overall, Mitsy, $69. Fur and Leather Moon Boot, Marc Jacobs, $265.

Tweed bell sleeve coat, Joe Fresh, $69. Woolen Scarf and extended glove, $17.99 ea, H&M.

There is this odd downside to losing a lot of weight. Yes, I wanted to take off those extra pounds for years, and I was overjoyed when I actually did. I used the better part of my savings to sign up for an expensive weight loss program 8 months ago. It's questionable weather the gimmicky ideas I bought into actually worked, but the 750 dollars I spent tying to figure it out was all the motivation I needed. It took me 5 months total to knock off the extra 40 lbs that I was carrying around like luggage, but I did it. Finally, I have a belly button for a midriff instead of a crease. But the joys of fitting into a size four are somewhat tempered by the many adjustments I'm having to make in my personal style.

First off, I've always considered myself to be a "Fashionista" of sorts, and have tried to keep my wardrobe rather stocked for this reason. It was nice to be able to create different looks and try out the trends that I was interested in. That whole kimono sleeve trend really got me. But, losing 40lbs means that I've also lost my wardrobe - and seemingly, my identity. I always enjoyed the personal creative expression I felt that I was exercising in my dress. I liked doing the punk inspired outfits when I felt rebellious for the day. Still, it's just not possible to replace years of carefully collected items in a matter of a few shopping trips.

I went to the stores and felt lost in the profusion of apparel, for the first time not thoroughly enjoying my shopping experience. Where to start when one doesn't even have a skirt? Furthermore, where am I to acquire the funds to replace my Seven Jean collection, ($200.00+ each)? I suddenly found myself jealous of all my size 12 girlfriends sporting the Danier, French Connection, Lacoste and Marc Jacobs hand-me-downs that I had so generously given. Looking at my best friend in what was formerly my silk cap sleeve blouse and pin tuck skirt ensemble, I felt a little empty. You know you have arrived at an interesting paradox in style when you are jealous of your own wardrobe!

It wasn't just the clothing itself that was lost in losing the weight. I also needed to reconnect with my sense of style. I felt unsure how to dress for my new frame. The old ideas I had furnished didn't seem to look quite right. I've always liked heavy boxy jackets and wide legged pants, but they just weren't complementing my look anymore. After a few weeks of feeling insecure, I wandered over to H&M to try and find a list of basics I'd pinpointed. A black pant, skirt and top as well as a pair of jeans. While trying on the goods in the mirror, I came to a realization; my quirky little style tricks were really just designs to make myself look thinner. Now that I finally was thinner, they did nothing for me. Little could have seemed more crushing at the time than the prospect of having flat, dull style. The mirror revealed nothing beyond me, in what appeared to be various bag dresses! I left the store, quickly settling on a pair of slacks and a top that at least fit me and went home to think about how I really wanted to look.

Prostrating in front of the bathroom mirror, I took a certain guilty pleasure from viewing my slender physique. I enjoyed the shape of my newly discovered curve and shape. My derriere no longer sagged into my leg but stood gracefully apart, a buttocks on its own. Conversely, I glanced hesitantly toward the barren walls in my closet in disgust. The frustration was mounting; I could not reconcile my new figure with a complete look that actually pleased me. Sometimes frustration can be a good motivator. Beckoned as if possessed by the shopping goddess herself, I took my credit card and headed for Yorkdale Mall. The Fashionista mall Mecca.

I decided to not let myself be dissuaded by my own former ideas or all the catwalk girls in the mall. Why should I feel negatively toward a positively reformative task? By design, the mall is a gathering place for those of similar ideals. A church serving the consumer. I knew that what I needed to do was throw out my previous ideas and simply turn my back on them. The flourishing ornamentation of my former wardrobe was a cover for a self that I didn't feel comfortable with - an aesthetic that I needed to change. I walked into a store that I had previously deemed "unwearable", and began to pile my arms with clothing to try. The reason a store like Marciano wasn't my type before was simply that the clothing is form-fitting, and I had no desire to fit my form. Tight, simple slacks and stretchy tops, black cocktail dresses and fitted jeans. I often said that the clothing was "too revealing" or "tacky", but this was only bred of some envy of others for being able to wear it well. In opening my mind, I found that I didn't face a disaster in the changeroom mirror, but a new look that I was ready to embrace. It's really all a question of how you wear your clothing that really determines if it's tacky or not; that dictates how you feel in it. And I felt quite perfect in the silky pencil skirt I chose. It fit me and emphasized my confidence more than my ass.

A few hundred dollars later, I felt revived; like a newly-born version of my old self. I went home and slipped into my new gear and again posed in the mirror like a Fashionista. Looking at my loot, I noted that all the pieces emphasized tailoring beyond trend. My favourite pieces are the dark denim high waisted pants I bought at Marciano, and the fitted cowboy plaid shirt I scored at H&M. Having been overly caught up in ornament and trend before, I now wonder if I had been letting the clothes wear me all along. Either way, I felt better and realized, that at least for me, feeling good has much to do with how I look. I think it is this same vanity that lead me to lose 40 lbs in the first place and embark upon a journey into the psychology of my personal style.

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