Blockbustin' Beats
By Artemis Higgins-Gobb, Stranded Cineaste
Issue date: 9/20/07 Section: Stranded
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Cain and Abel Almighty
After the raucous success of Bruce Almighty, and this summer’s Evan Almighty, Universal Pictures returns to the world’s oldest source material (the Bible) for more hilarity! This time out, the story focuses on New York attorney Frank Kane (Matt Damon), a man who yearns to have the success and fame of his best friend Tommy Abel (Ben Affleck), recently promoted to partner of the firm. When a mysterious stranger claiming to be God (Morgan Freeman) tells Kane to kill his friend, he’s at first skeptical. But when ‘God’ demonstrates his awesome power over the weather and ability to rig Chicago Cubs games at whim, Kane becomes convinced to do God’s will. Armed with a glock and a divine mandate, Kane sets out to do his Lord’s zany bidding. However, just as he’s hovering over Abel’s sleeping form, friendship wins out and the two boys from Jersey make up. Confused as to why God would instruct such a gruesome thing , Able confesses that God had only the day before convinced him to change his will and testament so that all of his rather significant assets would be left to the Holy Catholic Church. Now fully aware of his nefarious scheme, only Frank Kane and Tommy Abel can stop God now! With nothing but silver bullets, a friendship not even God himself can break and a whole lot of laughs, the boys set out to stop God once and for all.
The X-Factor: American History X Part 2
From the minds that brought you one of the most daring and dramatic works of the last twenty years, comes one of the most daring laugh-a-minute thrill-rides ever! After swearing off neo-Nazi-ism, Derek Vinyard (Edward Norton) is called upon by the head of the National Jewish Congress (Jeff Goldblum) and the head of the NAACP (Laurence Fishburne), for a very important mission: to infiltrate the Neo-Nazi’s annual national congress and steal their most valuable possession, the reserves of “Nazi gold” raided from unlucky European countries during World War Two. Can Derek pull off this loony farce without the Nazis wising up? At first, everything seems to be goin smoothly. Before long, though, Derek realizes the Nazis’ REAL devious plan: to use the gold to buy the ancient Scroll of Amun, which will allow them to unlock the fabled Egyptian army of the undead. Can Derek, teamed with a smartass Pan-Asian sidekick named ‘Squint-Eye’ (Shia LeBouef), rescue the virgin sacrifice (Paris Hilton) from the neo-Nazi’s nefarious King (Sean Connery) before it’s too late? A high-speed car chase ensues.
Sex on the Beach: A Film by Michael Moore
After the apparent failure of this summer’s Sicko, studio executives are working on this new project to help Michael Moore regain mass appeal. “Health care...it just wasn’t relatable to middle America,” says Harvey Weinstein, head of distribution for The Weinstein Company. “But bikini contests? What’s not to love!” Indeed, in his latest incendiary potboiler, Moore takes a critical eye to the high stakes world of national bikini contests, starting with the judging controversy at the 2005 Miami Beach ‘Budweiser Jugs and Buds’ affair. “At first, I thought, big deal, so the judges aren’t being fair, so what? But then I dug a little deeper, and noticed a real national tragedy here”, says Moore. “Women with REALLY good beach bodies are being snubbed by corrupt judges every day”. The film’s climax comes when Moore ambushes David Hasselhoff—the most notoriously corrupt of all bikini contest judges—for an interview in his Miami home. The tactic doesn’t end quite as Moore expects it to, and before long, rather than talking, the two men are wrestling out their differences, Moore proving a much harder ‘pin’ than Hoff suspected. After a fierce tussle, the two realize they have more in common than they first thought, and in a series of scenes that will finger your heart-strings, the two grown men learn how to trust again. The sap is lain on thick enough to make maple syrup, in what is sure to become the screen romance of the year.
Metropolis 2.0
Remake season is kicking it off early this year with a reimagining of Fritz Lang’s classic, Metropolis. Directed by Zack Snyder, the film will star veteran science fiction actor Will Smith. “I dun Asimov, I dun Matheson,” Smith rapped to the Allied Press yesterday, “In ma fly space ship, think I’m gunna get some!” Get some indeed. The Oscar buzz is already hot for this one, as it has been suggested that Smith was wrongly snubbed in the past for his work in Ali and Bad Boys II. Metropolis tells the story of class struggle in a futuristic city, although Snyder has been quite forthright in his plans to update the political aspect of the story to be more relatable to modern audiences. “This is going to be about communism the way 300 was about Greeks and Persians,” the director claimed amidst lines of coke. Playing the part of Maria, the beautiful revolutionary cum female android (or “gynoid”), is Miss Beyoncé Knowles, known from such mega-blockbuster super hits as Austin Powers 3 and The Pink Panther remake.
No Die List
Mark Whalberg plays Henry Steel, a seemingly normal insurance agent with a secret — he’s actually one of thousands of undercover agents hired by the government to take commercial flights to diffuse potential terrorist activity. Unbeknownst to the public, there is at least one such agent on every flight leaving or entering the United States. But unbeknownst to Steel, someone with a sinister agenda has slipped him a nausea pill on this particular flight and is planning to take the cabin by force! Can Henry overcome his projectile illness to take down the bad guys?
Worried for our wayward hero, the government scientist sitting next to him (Chevy Chase) activates his shrink ray and enters the ailing man’s body. Slapstick ensues as the scientist and a stowaway terrorist navigate Henry’s circulatory system while trying to cure him of his violent nausea. Having only a photographic recollection of every Three Stooges short ever made, the scientist must battle the terrorist for control of the human body itself! This explosion-a-minute (actual ratio of explosions to time in film) thriller will disappoint none and infuriate others. A must see!
Quentin Tarantino’s School of Pain
The sixth film from Quentin Tarantino is set to hit the multiplexes (and beat them to a bloody pulp). When asked for a statement, Tarantino proved himself too much of a ‘fast-talker’ to be decipherable. Fortunately, we at Stranded were able to reverse engineer the technology used to make the upcoming Alvin and the Chipmunks film and slow it down to an intelligible pace. “I wanted to do a movie like Animal House, Revenge of the Nerds, those things, but also, and this is very important to me as an artist, double the body count from all my previous films. Combined.” School of Pain follows the perennial conflict between Engineering and Arts & Science students, but imagines that the prank war is taken to its logical conclusion, a cartoony blood bath rife with samurai swords and rocket-propelled grenade launchers. After the engineers shoot up a cinema studies classroom (“Screening the bit from The Dirty Dozen where they massacre the party guests!”), the mute main character (Phil LaMarr) sets out for revenge. N***** Ninja, as he is referred to in the credits (Stranded does not approve or acknowledge Tarantino’s apparent racism), grabs his katana and starts slicing and dicing. The third act is highly expressionistic, with N***** Ninja battling the gothic King of Engineers throughout archetypical university settings, including a cafeteria, a library, a natural history museum and an M.C. Escher painting. Tarantino describes the final scene as “metaphysical”, in that Ninja stabs the King only to find himself impaled on his own sword. He begged us not to give away the ending.
Chris: Hey Alren, we’ve got to come up with one more idea for a stupid movie proposal so this article fills the space. I mean, we’ve already made fun of Bruce Almighty and Will Smith sci-fi action movies…what genres haven’t we done?
Alren: Hey, maybe the last one can be a TV remake! Those are always hilarious!
C: Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.
A: What TV show would people never want to see again? Especially as a movie?
C: Scooby Doo?
A: They already--
C: Right, yeah, forgot.
A: Hey, how about Alvin and the Chipmunks!
C: Yeah! I fucking hated that show!
A: My ten year old self hated that show, and it was indiscriminate as shit.
C: Yeah, but how about THIS version has them rapping!
A: Yeah! That’s hilarious! That’s exactly the kind of stupid shit movie executives would like. Oh, and this one has scatological humour so it’s contemporary! And, yeah, they can be awful CG instead of cartoons like they did in Scooby Doo!
C: Awesome! Oh, and it has to star that Jason Lee guy whose in like, every crappy movie as that dude who always tried to make sure they stayed out of trouble.
A: John!
C: Yeah! That guy!
A: Man, this fake movie proposal is going to be HILARIOUS.
C: Hey…what the fuck is this?
A:Apple.com/trailers/fox/alvinandthechipmunks?
C: What the fuck?
A: Is this office bugged or something?
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