Issue date: 11/17/05 Section: Stranded

Cardboard boxes are no place to be getting busy as tape and/or staples can get stuck in some very uncomfortable places. Also, these boxes are no match for the ability of piles of useless humanities textbooks to muffle your moans and groans.

The Victoria University Bookstore was partially closed on Monday, reducing its retail space, sex appeal and available prophylactics by approximately half. The bookstore, located in the "Old Vic" building on campus, was instructed to vacate one of its two rooms in what Victoria College Bursar David Keeling sees as "an exercise in population control" on the part of the school.

"You know the birth rate a Vic is doubling? It's all because of that bookstore, not Northrop Frye," says Keeling. "We want a smaller population at the college."

While talk of a student lounge has been heard around campus, Keeling states that this would be counter-productive to the efforts to curb the rampant reproduction rates at Vic, especially in light of revelations about out-of-control student fornication rates from the latest Vic student life survey.

The newly-emptied room will more likely become the office for the new Victoria College Ministry of Forced Retirement. The task of the ministry, as stated on its website, is to force out students that have been here too long, paving the way for the new generations that are being produced with record levels of efficiency and proficiency as determined by the survey.

However, when asked if the increased copulation has anything to do with a spike in local LCBO sales, Keeling replied with silence, awkward fidgeting and shifty eyes. It was then that Stranded entered the fray, launching its own well-funded investigation into suspicious links between Vic administrative officials, the Liquor Control Board of Ontario and various prophylactic manufacturers.

"There is no secret deal between Vic, the LCBO and Trojan, OK?" says Keeling. "When I first came to Victoria College, I was surprised to see so much sex, especially in public Vic spaces like the bookstore. It must have amazing sexual powers beyond my comprehension and for the sake of common decency, it must be stopped. Now will you kids stop drinking malt liquor on my porch and harassing my family?"

Continued...

Page 1 of 2 next >

Article Tools