Vic Bookstore closes in middle of orgy, gawkers disappointed
Stranded investigators throw wild accusations, put words in mouth of Vic Bursar, misappropriate newspaper funds for malt liquor
By Mark Ostler - with files from Aine O'Hare
Issue date: 11/17/05 Section: Stranded
Allegations and speculation have sprung up in and around Stranded's Special Investigators Office that the new ministry is a puppet organization secretly run by a sordid coalition of the LCBO and condom manufacturers.
Certain anonymous informants, like bookstore employee Mark Ostler, insist that the bookstore is merely being downsized due to jealousy on the part of Vic administration and it is an attempt to increase the sex appeal of lesser buildings like Bader Theatre and Northrop Frye, which incidentally houses the Vic administration offices, possibly including that of David Keeling. If the investigators hadn't been so drunk, we might have done more research.
While Keeling sees the move as a positive one, not everyone is necessarily
in agreement. Students will see a marked decrease in massage oils and scandalously revealing clothing on sale. Bookstore manager Don MacDougall admits that while the bookstore will continue to sell books, there won't be "nearly as much sex." In addition to this, students will no longer be able to purchase dirty magazines or erotic novels set at Victoria College.
"We've been working really hard to make do with the space we have, but the kids just don't want to have sex in here anymore. It's too cramped," says bookstore employee Mark Ostler with regards to the decreased space.
However, when asked if this downsizing will affect student libido, MacDougall assures
that any effect will be minimal and that the store will still be a key "hook-up point."
"Maybe we can't have an inflatable swimming pool filled with lubricant," he says, "but we will not let this unfortunate downsizing affect campus sex life in a negative way."
No public notice was made concerning the bookstore's partial closure, and
many students were unaware that there was any truth to the rumours that had
been circulating for some time. The final decision, according to Keeling,
was ultimately made by the Principal and the notoriously celibate Victoria College council.
"There was a desire [on the Council's part] to stifle sexual creativity at Victoria College."
Or was there, Mr. Keeling?
Research on the part of Stranded's generously funded investigation department into the alleged coalition is ongoing.
Certain anonymous informants, like bookstore employee Mark Ostler, insist that the bookstore is merely being downsized due to jealousy on the part of Vic administration and it is an attempt to increase the sex appeal of lesser buildings like Bader Theatre and Northrop Frye, which incidentally houses the Vic administration offices, possibly including that of David Keeling. If the investigators hadn't been so drunk, we might have done more research.
While Keeling sees the move as a positive one, not everyone is necessarily
in agreement. Students will see a marked decrease in massage oils and scandalously revealing clothing on sale. Bookstore manager Don MacDougall admits that while the bookstore will continue to sell books, there won't be "nearly as much sex." In addition to this, students will no longer be able to purchase dirty magazines or erotic novels set at Victoria College.
"We've been working really hard to make do with the space we have, but the kids just don't want to have sex in here anymore. It's too cramped," says bookstore employee Mark Ostler with regards to the decreased space.
However, when asked if this downsizing will affect student libido, MacDougall assures
that any effect will be minimal and that the store will still be a key "hook-up point."
"Maybe we can't have an inflatable swimming pool filled with lubricant," he says, "but we will not let this unfortunate downsizing affect campus sex life in a negative way."
No public notice was made concerning the bookstore's partial closure, and
many students were unaware that there was any truth to the rumours that had
been circulating for some time. The final decision, according to Keeling,
was ultimately made by the Principal and the notoriously celibate Victoria College council.
"There was a desire [on the Council's part] to stifle sexual creativity at Victoria College."
Or was there, Mr. Keeling?
Research on the part of Stranded's generously funded investigation department into the alleged coalition is ongoing.
